Ranting
Friday, February 15, 2008So, I've neglected my blog for quite a long time since my last post. I'm not going to bother with the shpeal of trying to post more - because I've done that about seven times with various blogs and I never pull through. Anyway, I've decided that I wanted to get in on the whole youtube thing (wow, that sounds like an old person x-x) and so I've started a little vlog. I hope that not everyone finds it to be completely boring, and that at least one person can get something out of it.
As for whats been up with me since my last post in September; well a lot. Where do I begin. As I look back at that last post I remember what I was going through when I made that. I was unable to decide on whether or not I wanted to come out. Quite frankly, its quite sad that people have to go through such a long process of self acceptance. Why did I have to "admit" to myself that I was gay in the first place? I am a very accepting person; but why did I not want to be gay? Why was it something that I did not want so much so, that I was able to deny who I was to myself for such a long period of time. I realize it may be difficult for someone who has never gone through such denial to understand how one can deny something so fundamental to themself, but it certainly is possible. I was not even open to myself about it until this past April-May or so; I'm not quite sure of any date of an "epiphany". And when I was finally able to admit to myself that I was gay, I felt weird about it, awkward. Why is society so hateful and rejecting to the point that it can cause people to deny who they are to themselves?
I've been of the opinion that I am not going to pretend to be something that I am not for quite a while. Additionally, it is very hard to keep such a fundamental part of your being a secret from everyone else around you. Not too long after I "came out" to myself, I told my best friend. I knew that she would be accepting of it, and she is one of the most trustworthy people I know, perhaps the person I trust the most outside of my family. She was amazingly supportive, and I will forever be thankful to her for always having an open ear, and always being able to listen. It was not until our vacation that I was comfortable enough with myself to tell my Mom. I did though, eventually, and I was quite relieved that I would never have to do it again. You build it up to be this big event, even if you know that the person you are telling will be completely fine with it anyway. I can't imagine what it must be like for people living with parents who aren't accepting of them.
Around the time in September that I wrote my last blog post, I was wondering if I should be open about my sexuality with my peers. It's not exactly an easy decision to make; when you hear the word gay being used as an insult on a minute by minute basis, and where fag, the other f word, is a common insult. In the end, I knew it was a decision that I had to make. What do I care about someone so petty as to judge me on the simple fact of whom I am attracted to? I've yet to hear anyone say anything negative to my face, so I can say that it has gone pretty well. The most common reaction is, "Wow! I would never have suspected that, you don't act gay," as if there is a certain way to "act" if you are gay. I would like to take the time to state that I have no problem at all with flamers, I just want to make that clear. But I will also make another thing clear, there is no code for behavior when you're gay. There's no rules that you have to follow or you'll be kicked out of the club. The problem is, the media portrays the majority of gay people as flamers, and so people automatically assume that all gay people are flamers. This simply isn't true. If everyone who was gay suddenly started to grow blue hair, I think some people would be quite surprised, and not just by the new hair color! Another thing that irks me is people who say that gay people are flaunting the fact that they are gay when they talk about their boyfriend/girlfriend, or comment on how good looking someone is. The fact is gay people are, gasp, people too. We are interested in people romantically just like everyone else; we are not asexual people who are there to tell you how to dress.
Do you have a personal bias against gay people? "No, of course not," is probably your response. However, for too many people, the response is. "Yes," whether they would like to admit it or not. Why is liking people of the same gender so despised by so many in our world? Why is it something that you can be put to death for it in so many countries; and why do so many modern countries deny equal rights to gay people today? I can tell you why; hate and intolerance. The very same people who would never assert that, say, interracial marriage would be banned, support an amendment to the constitution, the very framework for our government, that discriminates against gay people, denying them thousands of rights offered to straight couples. Such hate and intolerance is what keeps people in the closet for so long; for some people their entire life.
Well, I went on quite a random tangent there =o. Anyway, check out my youtube channel if you haven't already.
As for whats been up with me since my last post in September; well a lot. Where do I begin. As I look back at that last post I remember what I was going through when I made that. I was unable to decide on whether or not I wanted to come out. Quite frankly, its quite sad that people have to go through such a long process of self acceptance. Why did I have to "admit" to myself that I was gay in the first place? I am a very accepting person; but why did I not want to be gay? Why was it something that I did not want so much so, that I was able to deny who I was to myself for such a long period of time. I realize it may be difficult for someone who has never gone through such denial to understand how one can deny something so fundamental to themself, but it certainly is possible. I was not even open to myself about it until this past April-May or so; I'm not quite sure of any date of an "epiphany". And when I was finally able to admit to myself that I was gay, I felt weird about it, awkward. Why is society so hateful and rejecting to the point that it can cause people to deny who they are to themselves?
I've been of the opinion that I am not going to pretend to be something that I am not for quite a while. Additionally, it is very hard to keep such a fundamental part of your being a secret from everyone else around you. Not too long after I "came out" to myself, I told my best friend. I knew that she would be accepting of it, and she is one of the most trustworthy people I know, perhaps the person I trust the most outside of my family. She was amazingly supportive, and I will forever be thankful to her for always having an open ear, and always being able to listen. It was not until our vacation that I was comfortable enough with myself to tell my Mom. I did though, eventually, and I was quite relieved that I would never have to do it again. You build it up to be this big event, even if you know that the person you are telling will be completely fine with it anyway. I can't imagine what it must be like for people living with parents who aren't accepting of them.
Around the time in September that I wrote my last blog post, I was wondering if I should be open about my sexuality with my peers. It's not exactly an easy decision to make; when you hear the word gay being used as an insult on a minute by minute basis, and where fag, the other f word, is a common insult. In the end, I knew it was a decision that I had to make. What do I care about someone so petty as to judge me on the simple fact of whom I am attracted to? I've yet to hear anyone say anything negative to my face, so I can say that it has gone pretty well. The most common reaction is, "Wow! I would never have suspected that, you don't act gay," as if there is a certain way to "act" if you are gay. I would like to take the time to state that I have no problem at all with flamers, I just want to make that clear. But I will also make another thing clear, there is no code for behavior when you're gay. There's no rules that you have to follow or you'll be kicked out of the club. The problem is, the media portrays the majority of gay people as flamers, and so people automatically assume that all gay people are flamers. This simply isn't true. If everyone who was gay suddenly started to grow blue hair, I think some people would be quite surprised, and not just by the new hair color! Another thing that irks me is people who say that gay people are flaunting the fact that they are gay when they talk about their boyfriend/girlfriend, or comment on how good looking someone is. The fact is gay people are, gasp, people too. We are interested in people romantically just like everyone else; we are not asexual people who are there to tell you how to dress.
Do you have a personal bias against gay people? "No, of course not," is probably your response. However, for too many people, the response is. "Yes," whether they would like to admit it or not. Why is liking people of the same gender so despised by so many in our world? Why is it something that you can be put to death for it in so many countries; and why do so many modern countries deny equal rights to gay people today? I can tell you why; hate and intolerance. The very same people who would never assert that, say, interracial marriage would be banned, support an amendment to the constitution, the very framework for our government, that discriminates against gay people, denying them thousands of rights offered to straight couples. Such hate and intolerance is what keeps people in the closet for so long; for some people their entire life.
Well, I went on quite a random tangent there =o. Anyway, check out my youtube channel if you haven't already.
